Tuesday, September 29, 2009

#6 Superstrut

The most ubiquitous form of male "hell-yeah-I'm-sexy-single-and-ready-to-mingle" pomp and circumstance. Knees are slightly bent, arms held akimbo, and there definitely happens to be some hip movement, bordering on a sashay, in sync with  extremely deliberate and practiced head bobbing. Superstrutters are usually guilty of other dealbreaking behavior, most notably of which happens to be the wearing of a fedora, too tight vest, or perhaps some underlying guido tendencies. Superstrutters can be found on the street, in da club, and even in your very own backyard. 

Friday, September 25, 2009

# 5 Donald Trump Self Help Books

If he's using the Donald to light some sort of spiritual path maybe it's best to skip over this dude. Clearly, money grubbing and extreme asshole-dom are main parts of his deal (well, parts of most people's deal, honestly), and even so, maybe he should try a new method with a little more finesse, and forget about taking advice from loudmouth aging gingers with unfortunate locks.

#4 Guidos

Clearly some form of genetic mutation.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

#3 New Balances

The most depressing (and lame) of all men's running shoes. Usually worn with either high water khakis or pegged jeans, seen mostly on computer science undergrads. Almost akin to Champion and Reebok, but clearly a little more desperate. Also, not so savvy for running.

#2 Ubiquitous Man Jewelry

What's with the frenzied need for gilding the male lily? 9/10 douchemeisters who approach in a bar seem to be wearing some sort of natural fiber necklace--either a hemp, shark tooth, and shell bedecked ethnic wonder, proving he is a sensitive "down-with-it", culturally aware dude with no qualms about branching out into accessories which define his manhood. Or, he merely shops at the chain of Hollister-Abercrombie-Aeropostale permutations which promise a taste of the surfer dude lifestyle, despite his residence in a noncoastal region (Missouri I'm talking about you). Either way, gross.

Friday, September 18, 2009

#1 Doesn't Have a Pulse


Quite honestly, and simply, the best reason for "hmm, maybe we shouldn't bone, I might regret this later" anxiety. The ultimate DB. Wouldn't you rather face a guido clad head-to-toe in Ed Hardy than turn to necrophilia? 

Actually, maybe that's a legit question.