Monday, November 2, 2009

#22 So NYU

Disclaimer: We have several friends and acquaintances who attend this prestigious institution that we don't wish to offend. However, for every minority, there is a majority. And the majority of these people are, well, So NYU.

So NYU is a difficult dealbreaker to describe; we'll try our best to put it into words, but it seems to be either understood inherently or not understood at all. Despite our legacy of making shambles of the male sex, So NYU is an attribute prevalently manifested in females (males have it too, but it's usually less offensive, so we'll lump them into the bro category).


The last week of August invites a legion of swarming masses of naivete leaving the quaint suburbs and invading our metropolis. This is a moment all established Manhattanites dread.

It's an epidemic, as they desecrate every virgin spot south of 23rd St. For nine never-ending months they swarm West 4th, leaving Greenwich Village in the dust and leaving us wondering if the Washington Square of Ginsberg and Dylan ever existed at all. From dorm to class they travel in packs, speaking of Campus Cash, lecture halls, and their fake Greek life. They are identified by their ill-fitting cargo or sweat pants, usually too loose in the leg and hitting at an improper spot above the ankle, giving us an ever-so-nauseating sneak peak at those thick Hanes cotton socks or Ugg boots. Their Jansport backpacks hearken of 1997 and they tug at the mass of mousy brown, uncombed hair. During welcome week of college they are ready to hit up the 18+ clubs (Manor or KGB Bar, anyone?), the guys resplendent in their Abercrombie and Fitch muscle shirts and puka shell necklaces (more on those later) and the girls in their polyester getup reminiscent of the Deb. Yes, every college in the city has its own distinctive style just begging to be criticized (So SVA, So FIT, So CUNY), but when you have to walk through NYU every day, a little bit of specific hatred starts building up inside.

The bottom line is these offenders are trying to sit at the cool kids table, but their Kohl's-purchased leggings make them look as if they never left Ohio.

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